Maybe I Was Never Enough

Maybe I Was Never Enough

I had an interview yesterday.
After a whole year of searching, applying, rewriting resumes, and rehearsing answers in the mirror—I finally had one. Just one.

I got there an hour early. Sat in my car, heart pacing slowly, deliberately. I reviewed everything—my experiences, my education, the questions they might ask, the right amount of eye contact to make, the way I should hold my hands when I speak. I wasn’t hopeful. I never am. I’ve learned not to expect anything anymore. Expectations have a way of turning into anchors.

Still, I tried. I always do.

This morning, they called. I didn’t get it.

Another rejection. Another silent “no” added to the pile of all the others that never bothered to respond at all. I’m used to disappointment—but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Especially when you’ve poured everything you have into becoming someone worth choosing.

I’ve been in school for years. Nonstop. Since I graduated high school, it’s been books, lectures, exams, deadlines. I’m about to finish my master’s degree, and another one is already waiting for me to begin. Two honor societies. The Dean’s List—more than once. All of it… and for what?

Am I just a name on paper to them? A number? A checkbox?
Or maybe worse—maybe I’m invisible.

Because despite everything, I still can’t even get one job.

And now… now things are even heavier.
My father is gone. He left quietly, but the silence he left behind is deafening. There’s no one else to carry the weight, so it falls on me. All of it. I’m the one who has to make sure we’re okay. That rent is paid. That food is on the table. That my mother doesn’t break down in the hallway again. That my younger sister still believes something good is coming.

But how can I promise them that?
How can I promise anything when I feel like I’m drowning in every direction?

I don’t write this for pity. I write it because it’s real.
Because I need to let it out somewhere before it eats me alive.

I did everything they told me to do. I followed the path. I stayed out of trouble. I studied. I showed up. I gave it my all. I still am. But every day that passes makes me wonder if my all was ever enough. Or if maybe, I was never what they were looking for in the first place.

Maybe I was never enough.

But I’ll keep going.
Because I have to.
Because there’s no one else left to try.